Budweiser just wrapped up its quarterly earnings call and the good news is there’s plenty of alcohol at their St. Louis headquarters. The bad news is they’re going to need it after the stock price of their parent company, Anheuser-Busch, fell by 11.57%. Now, I’m no financial analyst, but I do look like a guy who gets paid in six packs, so I feel a unique obligation to offer the King of Beers this foolproof plan to get back on the throne:
Hire Sydney Sweeney to be your next pitchperson immediately because she’s everything your brand needs to get back on its feet. Trust me, I’m kind of an expert at watching people struggle to get back up because I spent the last four years covering Joe Biden.
For starters, Sydney Sweeney is the hottest name in advertising after her American Eagle campaign sent that company’s stock soaring by 23% on Monday. President Trump even gave her a shoutout on Truth Social and claimed she’s a hotter brand than Taylor Swift. It’s unclear if that’s true, but Taylor is definitely losing street cred every time her boyfriend, Travis Kelce, shows off that terrible new haircut of his. Speaking of alcohol consumption, I hope somebody took away the barber’s car keys.
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But all jokes aside, what Sydney Sweeney really represents to Bud Light is a ‘pitcher’ perfect way to win back all the folks they lost with the disastrous decision to team up with trans influencer Dylan Mulvaney.
Think about it. Bud Light spent decades using funny commercials full of hot women to build the number one domestic beer brand, only to become a national punchline when it gave Mulvaney a commemorative can to celebrate “one year of womanhood.”
It’s worth pointing out that, technically speaking, they were giving beer to a one-year-old girl! I’m not sure that’s what their commercials mean by “drink responsibly” but it definitely wasn’t a safe way to advertise because the marketing team gambled on alienating the base and wound up losing everything, including their jobs.
That being said, if Bud Light teams up with Sydney Sweeney, all the ill will from the Dylan Mulvaney fiasco will disappear faster than a CEO on a Coldplay Kiss Cam.
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I say that because as a gorgeous and fun loving girl who is not ashamed of her femininity, she’s everything that made Bud Light Commercials successful before the Mad Men in the advertising department were replaced with Mad THEM.
Teaming up with Sweeney would mark a return to the Golden Age of beer sales, where catering to the customer’s preferences was far more important than trying to align them with the woke White chicks screaming into their iPHONES on TIK TOK.
Take it from me, Bud Light. Blue-haired women with nose piercings are not your target demo, unless you’re going to start selling milk for their cats.
Making beer sales great again is the goal here.
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You do that by handing a win to the same guys who felt alienated when you poured identity politics down their throat and touched off the Mulvaney Meltdown in March of 2023.
There is NOTHING young men would enjoy more than aligning with a brand that gives that same middle finger to the woke left and their allies in the outrage mob.
Bud Light is in a safe position to buy them this round because the country has wholly rejected the absurd accusation that joking about “good genes” is somehow a NAZI outreach campaign.
Which explains why American Eagle issued a statement refusing to back down and other companies have leaned into the return of “hotness in advertising.” Dunkin is running its own good genes commercial and Arby’s has enlisted WNBA star Sophie Cunningham for their “Hot Chicks Eat Arby’s” campaign.
Rumor has it they wanted to use Caitlin Clark but she kept getting fouled during the shooting.
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In short, the market has spoken and said that anyone who can’t distinguish between hot chicks and Hitler is intellectually disqualified from any position of societal influence whatsoever.
Which is why I implore you, Bud Light, to appeal to the Real Men of Genius in your ranks once more, and go all in on Sydney Sweeney.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate the idea of urging a beer brand to jump into a culture war, but I didn’t make these rules. Bud Light, you did.
I can’t stand the fact that everything’s so political these days and it’s often hard to wrap my head around just how insane the era of identity politics has gotten.
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When I was a kid my white parents yelled at me for having too much ice cream.
Now my Ben n Jerry’s yells at me for having White parents.
It makes no sense but neither does letting the number one beer brand keep on sinking because it’s out of touch with the people who propelled it to greatness.
So my advice for Bud Light is to scroll over to Sydney Sweeney’s Instagram account and give her a follow like 25.3 million other Americans have done.
As for the rest of you, buckle up.
If you think the outrage mob was mad when Sydney made double entendres about her “good genes” wait until Bud Light is making jokes about her “nice cans.”
Don’t worry, you can say this stuff again because if the past week has taught us anything it’s that Cancel Culture is dead.
And we can all drink to that.
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