Why have good manners at all?
It can be explained that good manners are like a balm; they act as a social lubricant. They help people to meet and do things together in friendship or in business. (Or in love!) Good manners make for a pleasant environment. On the other hand, bad manners create friction and so can be seen as socially harmful, and their effects can bring long lasting damage.
We are always judging, assessing other people, whether for friendship or simply for a good conversation, laughs, or exchange of views or someone to place confidence in. Good people, those who you can trust, do have a very great value in society.
Therefore, good manners play an important role in society in many ways and in all activities. They are an important indicator of the quality of a person: his family, his education and his upbringing. Civil society only functions at all when people are liked and trust each other.
The extreme opposite of ‘good’ manners is given the name ‘boorish’ behavior. Boorish people do not care much how they behave when they are in public or meeting strangers: they do as they please with no consideration for others – they exhibit bad manners. A good indicator of manners, good or bad, is how people drive their vehicles on the roads.
The “No manners!” exclamation is a neutered one. It hides the speaker’s true meaning and sentiment and can be flung around liberally without causing offence. But if an exclamation of “Bad manners!” were to be uttered within earshot, those Boors would shout and threaten, and make an ugly scene.
It may be said that boorish, bad mannered people have few friends, perhaps just a few other boorish people who, when they meet they compete in their boorishness by shouting, spitting carelessly, creating havoc, gossiping and making bad jokes against other people and fall about laughing at their own vulgar, uncouth selves. The essential point here is that they have few friends of any quality who can stomach this bad behavior.
How do people behave, as experienced by an observer? Is the person’s behaviour considerate, controlled, polite and inoffensive – what may be termed ‘good manners,’ or to the contrary, is it boorish and can be declared by all onlookers to be ‘bad,’ or more usually, is it somewhere in between?
There is the ancient and widely accepted truism among educated people that “manners maketh a man.” It was the case that eminent men in every society used to set a good example of how to behave: they were ‘role models’ for people to follow.
This ideal, this image of civilized man has now been submerged and forgotten, in the name of democracy: fraternity, equality and liberty. This behaviour ideal has been helped on its way out due to modern civilization: identity cards and numbers, credit cards and banking cards all speak for us in an age when money gives status. There is no need for good behaviour to establish our status – our cards say it all. If we are a subcontractor to a top politician this fact lends us authority and magnifies our grandeur – and bad manners!
Also, the massive efforts of advertisers to market the ‘macho’ image have produced a rough attitude towards others. The foremost image used to be the American “Marlboro Man,” cowboy on horseback with a cigarette always in hand – until the actor died of lung cancer! A more modern, up to date image may be someone stepping out of a large, “off road” truck with a large chainsaw in hand – the environmentalist’s nightmare! Smart suits at desks in offices are the image! Our ideas of manhood and masculinity and what is good have been warped and morphed into fantasy and unreal images and a bloated belief in self.
(Remember! The really clever work was done by the men who first designed, developed and manufactured all this powerful machinery. The Boors just fill this machinery with petrol and use it, to look good!)
What are the basics? Rule: show consideration for others; do not be gross and give offence to others. Unfortunately offense can be given very easily and in a multitude of ways between people not closely connected. It is helpful to give some examples: by arriving late for an appointment and so keeping your host waiting, is upsetting; by speaking in a loud, rough voice is another; by keeping a book you borrowed and promised to return, is another. Really boorish examples are: by playing music at a high volume for passers-by in the street; by lighting fire-crackers near other people is startling and upsetting; or supposing someone is explaining something they consider important, but you just sit there yawning and rolling your eyes! Rubbing one’s face or scratching one’s posterior also sends a negative signal.
Note well that when appearing on television, a person has to follow many rules: e.g., at a TV. interview a person must try never to touch, rub or scratch his/her face.
Good manners then, are having a basic consideration of others; having a sensitivity to their situation. For example, if you visit someone at their home without giving prior notice, it should be for just a very brief visit; ten minutes no more. Only if the person makes it very plain he wants you, the visitor to stay, should you stay longer than ten minutes.
Staying for a longer time is a disturbance for the visited person and eventually will cause irritation: the essence of bad manners.
Good manners are also a matter of being supportive. Using or taking something without first asking for permission is not polite. But if a visitor unintentionally takes a book or a paper mixed with other papers, say, he should give notice of his unintended possession and return it as soon as he can along with his apologies. This would be a great confidence-building measure between friends.
Europeans in the recent past were looking for their roots. They asked what is it to be civilized? They looked to Greek civilization and took it as an ideal. What is a civilized man? What makes a man civilized? Must he be well travelled? Or knowledgeable? Or artistic? Or skillful? Or literate? Or wise? Or know how to use a knife, fork and spoon? Or well mannered? Few may achieve competence in all these things. Can one say, as a basic requirement a person should be knowledgeable, literate to some standard and well mannered? This may be one definition of what it is to be ‘civilized.’ And to have some ‘culture’ requires having a good knowledge of literature, art, or music and so, on.
Victorian England, the upper classes, and the rich, were in search of both these marks of distinction: of being civilized and cultured. England was the dominant power in the world – so they would tell you, and their Eminences must behave suitably, according to Victorian rules of civilization and culture!
They invented candle snuffers, egg cups, egg top cutters and so on. Great writers abounded. Everyone read Charles Dickens’s books and writings. Antimacassars were on the backs of chairs, to keep oily hair off the furniture. Ideas of Cupid shooting his Arrow of Love were translated into paintings and sculpture. Everything had to be correct and in its place. Children were to be seen and not heard. Chicken legs could not be picked up off the plate. Knives and forks had to be placed side-by-side after finishing a meal. And so on.
So, there are basic behaviour requirements for people to avoid friction and get along with each other, loosely called “good manners.” These manners can be developed into certain rules which may be termed “etiquette” – what to do and what not to do in order to please and not give offence. In a certain situation, what is the best thing to do? Many books on this subject are printed and available.
Consideration for others or good manners, is a central feature of Buddhism. Buddhist practice is the putting in place of one’s own personal ‘Ariya Marga’ or Eightfold Path with the purpose of reaching wisdom of self and of this world. Anything that disrupts or interferes in this progress, e.g. by getting angry, is an impediment to progress. People who place impediments in the way of others are doing harm in the eyes of Buddhism. Disturbing and making other people angry is a Buddhist wrong.
The Wise search for wisdom, the Dull follow others in blind belief.
PH. 9/6/2011
Re-submitted by R.O.S